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Keeping Your Vision

Keeping Your Vision

I lay in bed almost paralysed by fear and hopelessness. The grey morning light of a winter’s morning in Scotland beginning to illuminate the room. I could hear the boys in the other room, playing and chatting away. A pretty normal morning. Except for the crippling fear, the exhaustion making me want to hide from yet another day. This was how the days met me in my early pregnancy with John: the combination of grief after Lucy’s death and the fear that John too would be born with ARC was almost unbearable; and I had to still get up everyday and raise my four children, educate them, keep the house, and cope with the issues that accompany first trimester pregnancy. These were hard days.

I knew if I did not find a way to cope all of us would suffer. I’ve noticed that a lot of hard things can happen in a child’s life but if mummy has it together they can cope with it. But even with little problems, if mummy is losing it then everyone is all at sea.

In the charismatic church we can major a lot with “God’s plan for your life”, when we talk about God’s Plan we are thinking big, purpose of life stuff. But in this season I learnt the value of focusing on today. What was God’s Plan for today? God had given me four wonderful healthy children- they were his plan for me today. Keeping my vision in the small things of life, the day to day and mundane things helped pull me through. It’s easy to drown in a sea of grief, to allow despair and hopelessness to win. But it’s vital to find the hope for each day.

“Where there is no vision, the people perish:” Proverbs 29:18

For me it was important to maintain my vision for the here and know. I focused on homeschooling with renewed intentionality, I read books that affirmed my role as a mother, and I spent time with people who would encourage me. I found great comfort and encouragement reading Sally Clarkson’s books. I shut out the “voices” that would make me feel pressure to be what I was not, and could not be.

And now that John has died I again recognise that need to recalibrate and renew my vision for today. I think part of the nature of grief must rob us of our vision.

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